Nintendo 64

The Nintendo 64 is rocksome and I have new favorite game: Mario Kart 64.  It’s the most fun-filled, shell-smashin’, banana-bashin’, speed-racin’, spin-out-swirlin’, 3-dimensionally majorly exceptionally incredibly fantastically glamorously giddy game in the history of mankind.  From the sunny shores of Koopa Troopa Beach to the deadly Toad’s Turnpike, from the choppy Cocoa Mountain to the chaos of Bowser’s Castle, and from the labyrinthine Yoshi’s Valley to the dazzling Rainbow Road, you’ll get shell-shocked into one shell of a time.

My two favorite courses are Luigi’s Raceway and Bowser’s Castle.  Now you’re thinkin’ Luigi’s Raceway? It’s the most boring, generic course ever.  But I beg to differ, my friend. Try going backwards for 50 laps using Bowser and demolishing everything in your path with stars and lightning bolts.   The destruction is wild, rampant, recalcitrant!  Knowing this, need I really explain why I love the Bowser Castle in this game?   I purposefully get 5th place or worse over and over just to play it again.  As the course weaves its way through the castle, a dark estrangement welcomes you to that evil myopia of moving objects and dastardly fire-holes.

One time I was Donkey Kong and I got a star and right before Luigi got thwomped I blasted Toad all the way to the moon.  With him screaming Aaaaaaaaaaah! and my Donkey Kong bursting through the thwomp over Luigi who was howling in pain over and over, the hysterical laughter that sprung from my mouth is a priceless moment in the history of my gaming.  Add all this to the funny sound effects, the glorious music, and the diversity of the levels... This game is making me go bananas!

Segue to the hippin’ and hoppin’ NBA Hang Time, a quirky game that does 2-on-2 NBA basketball in street-game format, where no fouls are called and anything goes.  This game makes me laugh just as much as Mario Kart; you can push players down, dunk flamboyantly, and jump higher than a fuckin’ puma cat, while all through the game there’s an animated announcer spouting calls like, He’s unconscious! or That shot could have killed somebody!

I can’t forget about the first N-64 game, simply known as Mario 64.   I think it’s better than all the platform games combined.  What you do is jump into castle paintings and you’re transported to the worlds inside the paintings and you have find these stars hidden inside them.  This game has a special place in my heart because the last few levels really blow me away.  On the third floor of the castle, you have to climb inside this giant clock tower with over-sized gizmos, and there’s a couple of heavenly rainbow worlds where you get to fly on magic carpets and hop over obstacles suspended in the air.   With spellbinding music, the best graphics ever, and a vast enemy ensemble, I predict this game will be one of the all-time greats for many years to come.