The Monkey Circus

I miss my friends
From the golden arch circus,

Where hungry crowds witnessed us

Cavorting through hoop rings aflame

Under the deep-fried big-top trapeze

In record time.

Lunch, the tiger's roar,

Brought us together to defend

Against the onslaught of rushes

That trained us to be monkeys-

Frantic bananas at their stations

To pacify the crazed mob.

At dinner, the clowns derailed

In shenanigans at full moon

Birthday carousels behind the lobby,

Amplifying the unicycle gyres,

Decongesting our senses,

Making us free to breathe

A wild love into our crispy hearts.

We juggled the buns, 

Danced under kitchen lights,

Hollered maniacally like geeks

Serving ring masters and beasts

Remote from our team,

Never caring what they thought.

We were the real ones,

The ones who made them money,

Who slayed the endless back door traffic,

Who survived using every acrobatic antic,

We the forgotten freaks and immigrants,

We who built that place.

Culture Fair- Arctic & Antarctica

    On Sunday we went to Culture Fair at Montessori to see my son's work on polar region projects. It was mired by horrible back pain I sustained doing yardwork. Still managed to get through it, as all the charming classroom projects had a way of lightening the load off my back. I did have to sit down midway through, which was slightly embarrassing because it gave the appearance of me getting bored. I hope nobody thought that.
    I came back to watch the kids sing songs for us and dance like penguins with their classmates. The finale was an adorable quiz game where the kids got to answer descriptions of mysterious polar animals on flash cards, without visual aid. Dylan answered the orca whale, and Lucas answered the chinstrap penguin. I didn't even know there was a chinstrap penguin before this weekend. Lucas has also been talking about phytoplankton and zooplankton, a crucial part of the food web down there, and words that few adults would be familiar with.  Clearly the school is doing something right.

    Dylan has taken a recent interest in drawing. I got him a journal with graph paper that he chose among other writing and drawing formats. I told him it's good to keep a journal of your work, so you can revisit things you were working on at a certain point in time. You can write about your feelings, thoughts, ideas, lists, stories, visions... Lots of things that are private and important to you. It's his first one. So far, he has only used it to create interesting, pixelated drawings and mathematical squares. I hope he decides to keep it. There came a time when I grew out of childhood and got rid of mot the amateur work I did as a kid, but I wish I hadn't.

    Yesterday, after playing Pictionary for Kids, Kairika had them hold a contest to see who could draw a better daddy, with the winner chosen by me. Dylan drew me laying down with a book in my hand. He'd written "hurt back" off to the side, haha. It was hurt all weekend and still is. It made me laugh so I have him the victory. Unfortunately, it was not drawn in his new journal.

The Reality of Religion: Implications of the Placebo Effect

     Mind and matter are two sides of the dualistic nature of mankind. Sometimes a given ailment has a physical origin from matter, sometimes it has a mental one from mind. We often don't see the ailment as depending on both mental and physical states, but the placebo effect- along with its corollary "nocebo" effect- proves that the mind can impact the course of a physical disease. 

    The placebo effect has been shown to improve a number of ailments, including depression, asthma, gastro-intestinal diseases, swelling, fever, sexual dysfunction, and anxiety. It may not improve serious ones like cancer or a bone fracture, but it cannot be denied that the mind has tremendous power over neurotransmitters and the immune system. This creates an interplay with the body during an illness, where the parameters of one side can impact the other.
    When people are ill, many will turn to religion for relief. They may try chakra healing, yoga, dream incubation, ritual, meditation, prayer, or worship at the local temple. Religion has a way of creating the same kind of positive thinking as the placebo effect. The obverse can also happen with the nocebo effect, where fears of demons, witchcraft, or sorcery will negatively influence the mind, possibly worsening a disease through its harmful impact on the brain or immune system.

    Most atheists would probably use the placebo effect to illustrate how religion is a fabrication, that like a fake medication it doesn't actually do anything, being merely a set of beliefs without any impact on reality. That it is only the positive mindset that you are believing you are healing that induces your body to improve. But if the atheist is correct, it only strengthens the power of belief. The atheist unwittingly commits the error of signing off on the fact that the mind, being an immaterial object, has more influence on reality than physical instruments are capable of measuring for scientific purposes. By extension, the power of a religion to intervene in human affairs seems more plausible.

    Even if organized religion is a facade, the power of the mind in its beliefs transcends any collective opinion about religious cosmology, including atheism. Religion as a placebo implies that everyone has their own version of the religion they believe in, and that it is just as true to them as anyone else. No orthodoxy should ever persuade them otherwise, and no atheist can use this to dismantle the power of their beliefs.

    If you are finding that the placebo effect weakens your religion, try using it to empower a belief in your own spiritual cosmology. We don't need to all share the same cosmology for there to be one that is true to yourself. This is the closest to a reality of the afterworld that you will ever get. Even if it isn't "real" in the way the rest of world shares the same physical environment, it is "real" in your own way. Such an outlook will serve to improve your health, independence, and state of mind. 

Vegetarianism

    Vegetarianism is the highest form of environmental activism. Because the demand for meat is so high, an incredible amount of acreage is needed to raise farm animals for slaughter. These animals also need to consume protein, resulting in about 10 pounds of protein consumed by animals for every 1 pound of protein that humans consume eating animals. This is an incredibly inefficient, backwards agricultural system of production. If everyone ate plant protein instead of meat, ecosystem health, habitat loss, water supply, and water pollution would all be ameliorated considerably. Even air pollution would improve when you consider the decreased transportation needed to supply the meat industry.
     Environmental conservation is only one moral imperative in vegetarianism. Obviously, animals do suffer. Anyone that would try to convince you otherwise has never been close to one. But it's not only the killing of animals for human consumption that would spare their suffering. Animals suffer from dire living spaces in crammed farms all over the world, all for the benefit of the meat industry's efficiency of operations. The meat industry has worked tirelessly to downplay all the suffering that goes into their production practices.

    Today I chose to eat a chicken burger instead of beef. And while this may not seem like much- for chickens suffer on farms just as much as cattle- poultry is much more favorable for the environment than meat. I'm working on getting my beef consumption down to only once or twice a week. After that, I would like to reduce my poultry and fish consumption. An entirely plant-based diet is a real challenge for me, living in a meat-loving family that doesn't want to change. Part of the challenge is convincing them to eat less of it, which I imagine happens everywhere. 

    This is why boycotting meat and poultry through vegetarianism is the strongest statement you can make about the state of the planet. Because it is so hard to get people to change their eating habits, you are forced to make a conscious effort not to eat it when they're around, just like sugary snacks full of fat. It doesn't help that addictive elements like salt and fat are abundant in this protein rich food, convincing us we need to eat it in order to stay healthy, and making it even harder to quit. There are far better sources of protein (nuts, beans, vegetables) that are healthier for humans to eat. This is strengthened by the moral imperatives of lessening animal suffering and improving the environment. Once you see how quitting meat results a three-fold improvement of society, it's hard not to give it a try, or at least reduce consumption.

A Wedding in Springland

You summoned me to a land of eternal spring, your home, where glistening brooks flow among green hills with rocky mounds that look like breasts. Butterflies and flowers fluttered in a calm breeze beneath a carousel of rainbows. You took my hand, making a silent vow, to honor me, to cherish and protect me, without any witnesses, just the holy contract of God. And we walked among the fields as virgins in spirit, you with a spectral devotion of unconditional love, me with a wounded heart that could finally mend. Your love, my angel, is the only suture that can keep me safe. Now we lie together, in eternal slumber, where in dreams I can finally speak to you, where the joy you gave me is a medication from reality. It must be a special and rare occasion, to have married an angel.

Emotional Cleansing

     Lately I have been practicing a method of emotional cleansing that helps me understand myself better. I do this anywhere from once a day to every three days. It has helped me get more in touch with my emotions by listening to my body. Often an emotion becomes trapped in our bodies, typically as an expression of that area. For example, you might feel tension in your hand from "needing a helping hand", or in your back from "not having a backbone/spine". Other times emotional tension will manifest in an area that has been physically neglected, like where there is poor posture or inadequate stretching.
    The goal with emotional cleansing is to "open the gates" of your emotions; to become fully aware of them; to hear what your body is saying about them; to let them out by allowing their energy to take physical control of your body. Crying and laughing are two manifestations of this release. Others might be jerking, grunting, whining, or moaning. 

    You do this by calming yourself down, typically through meditation. Meditation isn't always necessary because sometimes the emotion surfaces without even trying. You need to entice the emotion to move out of your body through psychic invitation. Emotions need to move, not stay in place. All you have to do is close your eyes, search for any tension in your body, and let the underlying emotion "speak" to you. You don't have to fully understand what the emotion is, just let it flow naturally. It could be a mix of emotions that doesn't have a name, or that only pertains to you, as most of them are entwined by cords of memory. The most important thing is to let your nervous system take hold of the emotion and express it naturally through the body, either by movement, sound, or both.

    I will now share some examples of my breakthroughs with emotional cleansing. One involved the release of stress that had manifested as a clenched jaw and teeth grinding. During the cleanse my jaw became loose, I started grunting and felt the impatience of stress come out as energy in the form muscle spasms around my mouth. It would probably look scary to an observer, but I felt a lot better after doing it. Another example was with my eyes. I released exhaustion that had been repressed in there, from strain and overuse. I rolled them around, massaging the muscles with my hands, moaning as I circled around, letting the exhaustion escape.

    A fascinating one is an emotional memory that was repressed since early childhood, and this is how I learned about an emotion I never knew I had before. It's a complicated mix of fear and anger, probably closer to panic, from when I was neglected as an infant. Sometimes when I needed comfort, my parents would ignore me to let me "cry it out" because they did not have the empathy or energy to provide it. I was forced to repress that emotion, like millions of others. The rejection stayed in my heart for years, until I became aware of my body and let it surface, manifesting as a mysterious pain that I have always wondered about. Letting it out involved not just crying, but a vicious panic attack. As I was feeling it, the repressed memory came to life, if not in my mind, then at least in my body. I became the wounded infant again, healing myself by letting it flow out of me.

    Another time I projected to Glacier National Park in Montana. This was my favorite place as a child. My angels had invited me to explore a different emotion I'd repressed, this time from my parents' divorce when I was 11 years old. I'd learned not to show any emotion from the divorce because my parents wouldn't talk about it, and I didn't want to choose sides. In this vision, I found my 8-year-old self on Logan Pass, sullen and sad. I provided support by "reparenting" the child. I asked him why he picked this spot to reveal his grief. He said it was the only place he could ever remember my parents being happy together. The surprise came when the whole family showed up and we all reconciled. I let out a lengthy cry that resulted in a total catharsis, rivaling the grief from my deepest losses. Processing that divorce was 30 years overdue; getting it out of my system made me feel so much lighter and healthier.

    Through emotional cleansing, you can regulate your emotions better and explore repressed ones like I did.  Letting it out involves yielding your control to the emotion, so that your body can fully release the energy you kept inside for so long. It might feel weird or scary at first, but it's worth a try if you want to feel better. I'm glad I went through with it. If you decide to give it a try, good luck!

Truth on the Cross

The flood gates are opening,
My tears are becoming a river

That drains the sorrows of my soul

Through a rift in the obfuscated earth

Broken by traumas forgotten, others relived.

I hang my head in my hands,

Let it all come out, the pain, the anger,

The question why

The people closest to me

Use my empathy against me.

I went to the cross at night,

Asking for guidance

In the wet church's garden,

Where Jesus would have hung

Feeling pain like mine but in the flesh.

He beseeched me to see the light,

To start taking care of myself

By dealing with my feelings first,

To find peace before they crucify you:

Only then can you truly help others.

Dream Player

Dreamland is a playground

Where our minds experiment

With alternate realities,

Space-times we wished were real,

Or devilishly unwanted.

As we wander in play

So does the mind's eye,

Laminating metaphors

On a story that never ends,

Where cards are shuffled and dealt

Through the endless possibilities.

Win, lose, or draw what you imagine,

Let the flow take hold,

Dance with unconscious shadows,

Roll the dice, conjure movement,

Call, raise, fold, go all-in,

Spin the roulette wheels of time,

Become inspiration.

Sadness and Joy in Dreams

    Dream surveys consistently show that people dream about the colors white, black, and red more than other colors. This holds up across gender, age, and cultural differences. Also consistent is the emotional description of dreams. Sadness and joy are felt the least, while anger, fear, wonder and confusion are felt the most. 
    In my estimation, we feel these emotions more because they are the ones that must be rationalized and regulated more. The dreams help us practice them, so we can be better at handling them in waking life. Sadness and joy have no evolutionary benefit. They are felt less by "lower" members of the animal kingdom because they are not advantageous to survival. If that sounds joyless, I didn't write the rules!

Running Log

 Current running totals and personal records. I have a lifelong goal of running the distance of the equator (26,000 miles). Race results are also below. I didn't include my ranks because I hardly ever win.