Love is one of the most confusing words in the English language. W.H. Auden wanted to know the truth about it; Raymond Carver wanted to know what we really mean when we talk about it. So have a great number of people at some point in their lives. Love's biggest trap is usually set by the simplistic view that it's interchangeable with desire, in every context imaginable. I love her, I love ice cream, I love art. In all these instances the word can be replaced with desire. However, it's possible to love something and not desire it. For example, I may love some random mountain, but owning it may not be my desire since it's already home to many different animals. It's also possible to mistake the love of one thing about something for the love of it as a whole. What I love about that mountain could only be the way it looks, and not everything that describes it. If there is one thing to love about something, we tend to ignore everything else about it that we don't love and say we love it simply because of that particular thing.
Another problem with the word is that it can be used in so many different contexts that its meaning becomes ambiguous. The way people use it depends on both the individual and the context in which it's being used. There are several different desires or aesthetics that can be used to describe it, some of which we take for granted. In this essay I'll examine a few of the main contexts and see how they are connected to each other by the stages of life in which we need them the most. Using this perspective, you'll come to find that love is a common thread linking several stages of growth, and we can only understand its total power once we experience each of them individually. Each step on this pathway leads up to the final one: what Socrates called the "love of wisdom" in Plato's Symposium.
We are born into love the way we are born into life. The first feelings of love we ever have are for our mothers. As they nurse us, feed us, and protect us, we develop the first bonds of dependence for another person, kindling in us those warm emotions we come to understand as love. This special emotion is felt most strongly in the solar plexus, which many confuse with being the heart. As such, the heart is love's universal symbol in human cultures.
After mothers we come to love our fathers, siblings, and so forth, until everyone connected to us by blood is involved. The love of family can be described as unconditional, or innate, because by default we need an absolute circle of people whom we can always depend on. Once someone in our family is born, we love them instantly, without any other reason than them being a family member. It seldom matters what they do in life; even bad people have family members that still love them. At times it can feel obligatory to love a family member, particularly if they do nothing to show that they care about us. But deep down, somewhere buried in the distractions and phobias of adulthood, there is a place where they still care, and always will. That is where the primitive, infantile source of love exists, not just between nerve bundles in the solar plexus. Our families are everlasting sources of light, constantly supplying us with the source we need to find our way home. If we are ever lost or lead astray, they will hold lanterns above our heads, leading us back to where we came from, reminding us of who we really are. A man who forgets the faces of his family is sure to fall by the wayside, pledging himself to causes that are foreign to him, usually at the suggestion of friends. If our family isn't supportive enough, or we aren't even privileged enough to have one, friends like these can act in their stead.
Friendship is the second stage of love, usually realized around the age of five- when children become less dependent on their families and want to explore the world more. Things like mutual interests, admiration, assistance, and humor are what kindle friendships the most. We are quickly drawn to people who make us laugh, and we feel the love of friendship most strongly when our friends make us smile. In fact, for some there is no greater joy than the smiles brought about by a friend. Then there are the friends who challenge us, help us when we need it the most, and who set an example we choose to imitate- all of which serve as strong foundations for friendship. Unfortunately, friends aren't always as reliable as family, so the love they provide tends to act as a backup. It's much more fragile than family love; it can easily be destroyed or replaced once someone crosses a boundary they shouldn't have. Nonetheless, losing a friend can be just as devastating as losing a family member, depending on how close we were to them. Losing a whole circle of friends happens much more often than losing a whole family. There are times when we are forced to move away or get shunned by a clique: things we have little control over. Fortunately, friendships allow for easier replacements than family.
Another replacement can be provided through the love of animals. If you grew up with pets, you know this feeling very well. The ability of animals to make us melt in awe of their cuteness is a time-worn source of love. Animals have the unique ability to provide both entertainment and affection- something a friend or family member usually only provides one of. Like friends they can be entertaining, and often they are a source of the type of affection a family member would provide. They can also give us comfort after we move away from home, or after the loss of a partner or spouse.
The fourth stage is the love of human beauty, or lust. First occurring during early adolescence, it can be so powerful that it makes us discard all the ugly things about someone in order to rationalize our desire. This can be the most dangerous form of love because beauty can mask all the deficiencies in a person we can't see, especially when we are young. Another reason for it being dangerous is that it's often unrequited, or unattainable. And if it is reciprocated then it will probably lead to things like unwanted pregnancy, or a shorter relationship than you were hoping for. Once we see past the beauty of a person and realize all their deficiencies, the relationship most likely turns sour.
Lust can be broken down into two types: reciprocated and unrequited. Reciprocation can make for some of the wildest sexual relationships, while the unrequited type can cause a lot of sexual frustration. This is when many of us start to ask ourselves, How can love be good when others say it's the best thing in the world? Some people discard lust as a type of love entirely, saying it's too malicious to cause any good. However, there is an essential purpose for it, and that is procreation. Procreation brings together two opposites that attract, which is good enough to be called a form of love by many people. Think about all the other things in the world that attract: the proton and the electron brought together by the phenomenon known as charge, or high pressure and low pressure via the force of wind. Aristotle himself reflected on love's dual nature, saying, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies". Two entities attracted to a mutual center may in fact be the universal definition of love. In this sense, love can be interpreted as a hidden force binding everything in the universe together with different forms of attraction, including that between a man and a woman. What people who shun lust are really trying to say is that it's not the same kind of love as, say, the love of human spirit, or transcendental romance- both of which happen when two spirits attract. When we're in a relationship based on lust, we may still feel lonely or empty because the person we love isn't satisfying our spiritual or mental needs. We're only in love with part of who they are, not their whole being.
As we grow older we start to realize that lasting relationships only happen with people compatible with our personality. The love we tricked ourselves into thinking was genuine had actually been based on beauty, and we don't want to make that mistake again. When we find someone who resonates strongly with our personality, over time we can start to develop romantic feelings for them. These feelings are different from the romantic ones we felt when it was only lust. This kind of love makes us see people in a clearer light. It grows stronger over time and makes for the best relationships. They tend to last the longest and are usually what people describe soul mates as being.
Transcendental romance is a sub-type of this that is very rare. It involves both the love of beauty and human spirit. This is beyond the simple "falling in love" feeling that beauty alone can cause. It happens when you date someone you find very attractive but are careful enough to reserve your feelings and not rush into things. First you get to know them better, and if your personalities are compatible, the feelings of love will grow stronger. Soon you'll find yourself falling in love with them, but not in the way they do in the movies, like love at first sight. This is love at long sight, like a song that gets better after each listen. There is no greater importance than to nurture this love and let it grow on its own. Forcing it will only suffocate those initial sparks and kill it off. When unrequited, transcendental romance can be devastating; it may cause thoughts of suicide because the victim feels like they'll never meet someone like him or her again. If you find yourself loving someone who reciprocates these feelings, congratulations: you are very lucky to have found them!
An important deduction of romance can be found in the ancient Greek concepts of love. On the one hand, we have the love caused by beauty- what the Greek philosophers referred to as Eros, which arouses in us an unconscious urge to procreate and prolong our species. On the other hand, we have the love caused by spiritual union- what the Greeks called Philia- encompassing, family, friendship, and romantic interests that run deeper than the skin. Eros and Philia are like opposite sides of the idea we call romance. To my knowledge the Greeks never integrated the two into a more profound type (which I've coined transcendental above), however the terms do serve as a blueprint for the last stage of love, illustrated below. It's out of the primitive passions of Eros that we mature into the fondness of Philia, and thence into Agape- a universal love for all mankind.
Sometimes we get so discouraged by heartache that we seek other forms of love to take its place. Animals were mentioned earlier, but others exist as well- two of the most prominent being material objects and work. Everyone knows the love of material things. You love that watch, you absolutely must have it. In early adulthood there are many material things lighting up our eyes, like jewelry, clothes, or any collectible item. But like the love of beauty, it comes at a price. We can't always get what we want. Possessive loves such as these usually do more harm than good, as they incite envy and cutthroat ambition against those who own what we want. There are also natural things we may come to love simply because they're beautiful or remind us of certain events in our lives. Mountains, valleys, waterfalls, rainbows: that cabin you spent last summer in. These generally arouse less desire in people than material things, and so should be considered a sub-type.
One of the last stages of love is work: not work in the sense of menial tasks, but work done to accomplish goals or create new things. The older we get, the more we come to appreciate it. This type involves the love of any activity, including reading, playing sports, creating art, gardening, boating, etc. You can also love the work produced by others, such as musicians, writers, and directors. You may even be inclined to love people for producing work, though this usually crosses over into the other realms. For example, an infatuation with an attractive celebrity is more likely created out of a love for their image than out of an appreciation for the work that they've done. Work is your purpose, your direction, your means of contributing to society. Without it you won't feel as connected to the world. Cherish any work you do, even if it's something society considers shameful. The world needs you, and everything you provide for others is part of the great machine that mankind calls progress. The love of work is born out of selflessness; we offer our minds and our bodies to fulfilling the needs of others, while they in turn provide the same service for us. And even if you feel like a slave- that you hate your job and are just doing it to make ends meet, you can at least find solace in the fact that the services you provide have made life easier for someone else.
Finally we come to the last stage, the love of wisdom. In Plato's Symposium, Socrates reveals to his friends that the culmination of all that one has loved throughout their life should result in the universal love for mankind and every source of knowledge in the world. Hence one should always strive to become a lover of philosophy (I wonder if Socrates had a professional bias?). Obviously, a great many of us never get this far. If you feel like a lot of the things in our world aren't worth loving, then you'll have to retrace your steps and see what stage you got stuck on. Maybe you got stuck on the love of beauty, or material things, and never grew out of it. Or the rejection of a lover caused you to be afraid of future relationships. Sometimes even the love of work can restrict our development, even if we've been successful and made a lot of money. Some of us live our lives convinced that the love of one thing is the only way we can be successful, so we ignore anything that's irrelevant. But the love of wisdom and knowledge erases all that. Many aged people take pride in all the things they've learned, and can still respect the things they didn't, even if they don't understand them.
There's an interesting parallel between religion and the love of wisdom and science and the love of knowledge. The love of all mankind is a doctrine of Christ, who taught us to "Love thy neighbor as thyself". Buddha also taught the world about Oneness: that because everything is connected through the cycles of life, we should show compassion for all living things. It would be ironic to state that the love of knowledge falls under the same category. Religion has a connection with universal compassion that shouldn't necessarily require the narrow-minded thinking that comes with a system of ingrained beliefs. The love of knowledge is therefore more of a subcategory of the love of wisdom because you can certainly have unyielding compassion for all mankind and preach that certain knowledge be forbidden. In the Symposium, however, both realms blend into one another, creating a type of love that stands higher than each of the others when standing alone. It's a type of love that merges the intuitive wisdom of religion with the logical knowledge of all the sciences. Indeed, this ultimate love can only be described as the love of philosophy: a love of all things learned, regardless of any of the ologies or isms that science and religion label people with.
When people say love is a many-splendored thing, they aren't far from the truth. Each variety of love is essential to the well-being of a person, even if the loss of it makes them feel worse than they ever have. Love turning sour can indeed cause for some confusing emotions, but they are usually only temporary. Love cannot be contained; it changes from person to person, taking new forms with each new attraction. Letting the loss of something we love cripple our development is tantamount to giving up. Defying love as a lodestone and writing it off as evil will always prevent us from making any sense of it. Fear conquers love when this happens, shoving us into a deep, dark hole from which the only escape is a grueling process of rediscovery. Don't let it happen to you; stay on the path. Fight to remain strong and you will live to love another day.
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