The Mental Health of Parents

     It has occurred to me that I am overcompensating trying to be a good father.  I'm so afraid of failing like my father and stepfather did that my choices aren't genuine.  It's time to take a step back and think of me for a change, where I'm at in my own development.  Nobody will ever be perfect at parenting, no matter how hard they try.  I believe many parents overcompensate for similar reasons but in different ways.  In my wife's case, she won't let infants out of her sight for fear of them choking on something, as one tragically died in her family long ago for that very reason.  Such overprotectiveness is draining to her spirit, a total overcompensation for a perceived threat, the way Adler described.  The inferiority to be avoided is a failure at parenting, which is the greatest fear for many of us.  We must not let this fear erase who we are.  We must be our true selves, and the happiness of our children will follow.  We must not pick careers we hate just because we are worried about money.  Our children will look up to us more if we do things we love.  We must not lose ourselves trying to build them out of our pieces.  Give too many of those pieces and you start to feel like someone different, someone going through the motions, someone living and serving other people, not far from being a slave.  You lose the basic happiness, sanity, and connectedness that made you a good parent to begin with, for children will surely suffer if you are mentally lost, and it isn't always obvious how.  You suddenly do things that inadvertently castigate them, like spending too much money on security when it could be spent on things you or they enjoy.  Or looking for a high paying job when you could be using that energy to better yourself or spend more time with them.  Or needing so many breaks from exhaustion that the phone becomes your best friend and you can no longer find a way to engage your children when they want to play with you.