Recently I discovered how my stinginess with money is a product of low self-esteem from my youth. Its origin is the trauma inflicted on me by my stepfather. Having an absent mother who taught me little about life reinforced it. A depression that resulted made me feel like I wasn't ready for the world, that I was worthless, that I didn't deserve happiness, a good job, or a successful family. It is the biggest reason why I did not finish college and decided to keep doing odd jobs. These jobs reinforce the idea that I wasn't allowed to spend a lot of money because I wasn't worthy of it.
Things have changed since then. I'm trying to finish college again, and I am bullheaded about finding better work. In 6 months I have not quit, no matter how much I get rejected. My time will come. Weakness of character can be overcome by understanding and perseverance. I still try to conserve spending, but it's impacting my marriage negatively so it's about time to make that adjustment. It's time to recreate myself, perhaps spend a little more on the finer things.
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