My Vision

  One of the most important things to know about me is that I didn't know I needed glasses until late high school. I couldn't clearly see the whiteboard, the baseball, and whether or not someone was looking at me. It shaped me in more ways than I was aware. At school I slacked off for having trouble seeing things. I wasn't as good at sports as I should have been. I had horrible social skills because I couldn't read distant body language as people were approaching. It is so important to know whether they're smiling at you, because if you miss it, you might offend them into ignoring you. That is a huge reason why I was ignored and still am. When my glasses are off, I can't see you. 

I don't know why it took so long to get an eye test and discover my vision problem. It may have in fact been getting tested for a driver's license when I was 16 that forced my mom and I to become aware. Things were pretty awful for me around this time. Maybe you can blame my stepdad, my mom, the kids at school, or even me for developing an antisocial personality. But my eyes had more to do with it than anything. By the time I found out, my self-esteem was so low that I didn't care about contacts or getting laser surgery. The stigma of wearing unattractive glasses suited my poor self-image and it never recovered. Sometimes I take them off in social situations to look more attractive but then I put them on again when I need to see something far away.  

Recently the problem has become compounded by chronic digital eye strain, from using computers too much. There's something about glasses that creates the same symptom as looking at the screen too long, which for me is a terrible blow because it forces me to take my glasses off whenever I don't actually need them, like in social situations. 

It is a lifelong thorn in my side. How was I supposed to know I needed glasses at 10 years old? I wasn't being tested. Vision was ok I think until around this age. They say modern living with all its indoor activities and screen time are ruining eyes for the younger generations. Perhaps this is contributing to anti-social behavior in general in the social media age. 

My propensity for turning inward and fantasizing is also a major product of the eye problem. I developed a strong inner vision to replace the one I lost outside.