Today I am at blank slate. I finished all the projects I've been working on these last few years. My heart and soul have been released from the confines of my mind, for all the world to see. On Monday I start my master's degree in geography at Marshall University, making this a perfect time to reflect on the life I have lived thus far. Generally I have made good choices, and my regrets are few. There is no clear worst thing I've done to anyone, which is a good thing. My words and deeds have always been virtuous, though there were a few years in my teens when I behaved badly. It's a miracle I did not traumatize anyone during this period, not that I am aware of anyway. I was a bit aggressive, but not enough to hurt people.
A regret I have is being so self-absorbed, in "my own world" as a teacher put it, and afraid of rejection, that I could not approach people or move on from a setback. I wish I'd had the strength to stay at Woodinville High School and improve my grades, finding a stable career path in the process, which would have prepared me for life today, when I am working 50 hour weeks on top of college to support a family. I was in no condition to think far ahead into the future at the time, so I will not be too hard on myself. However, I owe it to the boy I could have been to redeem his shortcomings. And I owe it to all the people I could have influenced, or those who could have influenced me. Perhaps having a less fogged up mind would have cleared my head to make better decisions, and to take life less seriously.
A poor decision I made was in 2007 when I gave up my Atmospheric Science degree at the UW. Once again I was too sensitive, assuming that because nobody approached me they must not like me. People only approach people who notice them, something that has been difficult for me to learn. I also took a bad grade and false accusation too seriously. My excuse was that the material was boring, and to be honest, it wasn't what I expected. Much too rigid a curriculum for something as exciting as weather. I just feel like I quit too early, or that I didn't have a better backup plan, that I didn't at least get my degree in something.
Another mistake came in 2011, when I should have pursued a bookkeeping job but felt discouraged by many rejections. Instead I got stuck working nights at Panera Bread, which set a disastrous presidents for dead end jobs, and led to a relationship I never should have started. After she tore my heart out, instead of continuing the search for a bookkeeping job, I got sidetracked by trying to impress her, ending up desperately leaving and working anywhere that would have me.
Being young is hard. The decisions I have made since then all made sense. It's easy to wish you could go back and change things, but never worth it. Once I met my wife, I knew I'd made bad choices, because starting a family never entered my mind until then. The lesson is this: don't give up so easily. Finish what you started, even when it hurts. When you pull through, it will feel that much better. Never assume you will be the same man as you are at 20 your whole life. Because people do change, and so do their motives, I promise you. Stay ahead in life, however much you can. Bad things will happen, it's it's how we react to them that sets us apart from success and good fortune. Keep your chin up, smile, make eye contact, believe, sing your song. You were given a voice, it is a gift. Play your tune until the sunlight fades. Don't lead a false life. Be true to your heart and good things will come.
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